Favorite Quotes & Lyrics (page 1)

Some people collect string, some aluminum foil. Some collect ex-spouses and other baggage. I am a collector of words.

* * * * *

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.
--Albert Camus--

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
--Kin Hubbard--

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
--Ambrose Bierce--

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
--Dylan Thomas--

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
--George Bernard Shaw--

In America, through pressure of conformity there is freedom of choice but nothing to choose from.
--Peter Ustinov--

In this world of toil & sin your head grows bald but not your chin.
--Burma Shave--

A peach looks good all covered with fuzz but a man's no peach and never was.
--Burma Shave--

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde--

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost--

Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them and it annoys one not to give to them.
--Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche--

It may be that the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong but that's the way to bet.
--Damon Runyon--

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde--

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
--Ambrose Bierce--

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
--Fred Allen--

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last forty years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
--Winston Churchill--

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
--Dorothy Parker--

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
--Honore De Balzac--

Bernard Shaw has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.
--Oscar Wilde--

"Number Seven" opened last night. It was misnamed by five.
--Alexander Woollcott--

Your manuscript is both good and original but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
--Samuel Johnson--

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
--Mark Twain--

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.
--Dorothy Parker--

I like children. If they're properly cooked.
--W. C. Fields--

Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.
--Sam Levinson--

Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
--Fran Lebowitz--

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
--Laurence J. Peter--

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
--Groucho Marx--

Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils as distinguished from a liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
--Oscar Wilde--

The only completely consistent people are the dead.
--Aldous Huxley--

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.
--Horace Smith--

A cynic is a man who when he smells flowers looks around for the coffin.
--H. L. Mencken--

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
--Woody Allen--

We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal.
--Tennessee Williams--

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
--Andrew A. Rooney--

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain--

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
--August Strindberg--

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.
--George Jean Nathan--

Society produces rogues and education makes one rogue cleverer than another.
--Oscar Wilde--

One should forgive one's enemies but not before they are hanged.
--Heinrich Heine--

England has forty-two religions and only two sauces.

Equality may be a right but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact.
--Honore De Balzac--

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy you don't need it, if you are sick you shouldn't take it.
--Henry Ford--

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.
--Delmore Schwartz--

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
--Oscar Wilde--

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
--W. C. Fields--

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
--Martin Mull--

A fishing rod is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool at the other.
--Samuel Johnson--

Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde--

Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
--Ambrose Bierce--

May God defend me from my friends. I can defend myself from my enemies.

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face-forever.
--George Orwell--

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
--Thomas Szasz--

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian and at once the world becomes explicable.
--H. L. Mencken--

God is dead.
Nietzsche is dead.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
--Mark Twain--

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
--Mark Twain--

No good deed goes unpunished.
--Clare Boothe Luce--

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
--Groucho Marx--

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
--Oscar Wilde--

Society is produced by our wants and government by our wickedness.
--Thomas Paine--

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other.

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
--Alan Alda--

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead.
--James Thurber--

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
--James Thurber--

Heaven is a place where nothing, nothing ever happens.
--Talking Heads--

Hell is other people.
--Jean-Paul Sartre--

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
--Georg Friedrich Wilhelm Hegel--

He who has never envied the vegetable has missed the human drama.
--E. M. Cioran--

We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.
--Tennessee Williams--

A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to go out and kill something.
--Stephen Leacock--

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox; the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
--Oscar Wilde--

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it.

Psychoanalysis is the disease it purports to cure.
--Karl Kraus--

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
--John Galsworthy--

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup.
--H. L. Mencken--

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
--Woody Allen--

Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.
--C. K. Chesterton--

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
--Robert Frost--

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
--Oscar Wilde--

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs, he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.
--Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche--

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
--Bertolt Brecht--

Every law is an infraction of liberty.
--Jeremy Bentham--

I was never ruined but twice, once when I lost a lawsuit and once when I won one.

Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
--Jeremy Bentham--

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
--Charles Lamb--

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
--Jules Renard--

Liberal: a power worshipper without power.
--George Orwell--

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
--Willis Player--

Liberty is the right to do whatever the law permits.
--Charles Louis Montesquieu--

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
--Christopher Isherwood--

Life is a predicament which precedes death.
--Henry James--

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so and we are so and they and we go very well together. --George Santayana--

Life is a dead-end street.
--H. L. Mencken--

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
--James Gibbons Huneker--

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
--Woody Allen--

The meaning of life is that it stops.
--Franz Kafka--

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
--Ambrose Bierce--

[Love] The delusion that one woman differs from another.
--H. L. Mencken--

It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
--Charles Bukowski--

Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other.
--W. Somerset Maugham--

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--H. L. Mencken--

I never read bad reviews about myself because my friends invariably tell me about them.
--Oscar Levant--

I don't drink; I don't like it, it makes me feel good.
--Oscar Levant--

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.
--Oscar Levant--

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
--Oscar Levant--

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
--Albert Schweitzer--

Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be.
--Holbrook Jackson--

Man is a puny, slow, awkward, unarmed animal.
--Jacob Bronowski--

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
--Charles Shultz--

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

He marries best who puts it off until it is too late.
--H. L. Mencken--

All tragedies are finished by death, all comedies are ended by marriage.
--Lord Byron--

Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.
--J. B. Priestley--

When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
--Sydney J. Harris--

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
--Oscar Wilde--

The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage so we get married.
--Cyril Connolly--

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
--Johann Wolfgang Goethe--

It is often pleasant to stone a martyr no matter how much we admire him.
--John Barth--

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
--Oscar Wilde--

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
--Woody Allen--

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
--Truman Capote--

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
--Dean Acheson--

The main difference between men and women is that most men are lunatics and most women are idiots.
--Rebecca West--

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--Groucho Marx--

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
--Georges Clemenceau--

It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
--Albert Camus--

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.
--Oscar Wilde--

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
--H. G. Wells--

The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums.
--Peter De Vries--

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.
--Samuel Johnson--

New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.
--Russell Baker--

The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity.
--Arthur Schopenhauer--

I'm not OK, you're not OK, and that's OK.
--William Sloane Coffin--

Optimism: the noble temptation to see too much in everything.
--G. K. Chesterton--

The place where optimism flourishes most is the lunatic asylum.
--Havelock Ellis--

Even paranoids have real enemies.
--Delmore Schwartz--

Patience, a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
--Samuel Johnson--

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
--Bertrand Russell--

Patriotism is a pernicious psychopathic form of idiocy.
--George Bernard Shaw--

It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.
--Oscar Wilde--

The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist.
--George Bernard Shaw--

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
--Jean Rostand--

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
--Don Marquis--

All are lunatics but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
--Ambrose Bierce--

Cogito, Ergo Sum (I think, therefore I am.)
--Rene Descartes--
I think, therefore I am. I think.
--Wizard of Id--

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
--Oscar Wilde--

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
--Ambrose Bierce--

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
--Charles De Gaulle--

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
--Art Buchwald--

It is only the poor who are forbidden to beg.
--Anatole France--

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
--W. C. Fields--

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
--William James--

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President, I'm beginning to believe it.
--Clarence Darrow--

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
--Alfred Adler--

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
--Mark Twain--

Progress is the mother of problems.
--G. K. Chesterton--

A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.
--Victor Lownes--

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.
--Germaine Greer--

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
--Evelyn Waugh--

"Where does she find them?" Dorothy Parker when told that Clare Boothe Luce was always kind to her inferiors.
On being told that President Calvin Coolidge had just died, Dorothy Parker remarked, "How could they tell?"

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
--Lily Tomlin--

Just remember, we're all in this alone.
--Lily Tomlin--

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain.
--Mark Twain--

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.
--Fran Lebowitz--

I'm a born again atheist.
--Gore Vidal--

The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride.
--H. L. Mencken--

Religion is a monumental chapter in the history of human egotism.
--William James--

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.
--Jean Anouilh--

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
--Frank Zappa--

Santa Claus has the right idea, visit people once a year.
--Victor Borge--

Show me a man who has enjoyed his school days and I'll show you a bully and a bore.
--Robert Morley--

Know thyself.
"Know thyself?" If I knew myself, I'd run away.
--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe--

I find that when I do not think of myself, I do not think at all.
--Jules Renard--

Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him.
--Oscar Wilde--

Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
--George Bernard Shaw--

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
--Oscar Wilde--

Skepticism is the first step on the road to philosophy.
--Denis Diderot--

I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education.
--Wilson Mizner--

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
--John Ciardi--

Southerners are probably not more hospitable than New Englanders are, they are simply more willing to remind you of the fact that they are being hospitable.
--Ray L. Birdwhistell--

I took a speed reading course and read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
--Woody Allen--

If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of public life, and you will make small progress against it.
--Samuel Marchbanks--

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughn--

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
--Oscar Wilde--

Success and failure are equally disastrous.
--Tennessee Williams--

Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acids stain you, and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live.
--Dorothy Parker--

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.
--Cleveland Amory--

Television: chewing gum for the eyes.
--Frank Lloyd Wright--

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.
--T. S. Elliot--

Why should people pay good money to go out and see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?
--Samuel Goldwyn--

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
--Peter De Vries--

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
--David Frost--

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
--Philip Sheridan--

Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so.
--Bertrand Russell--

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
--Oscar Wilde--

It is inconceivable that the whole Universe was merely created for us who live in this third-rate planet of a third-rate sun.
--Alfred Lord Tennyson--

He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
--Oscar Wilde--

As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me they must be capable of some other form of labor.
--Al Capp--

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.
--George Bernard Shaw--

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.
--Jean Rostand--

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
--John Barrymore--

Woman was God's second mistake.
--Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche--

On one issue, at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.
--H. L. Mencken--

When women kiss, it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands.
--H. L. Mencken--

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
--Gloria Steinem--

He gets on best with women who knows how to get on without them.
--Ambrose Bierce--

I do not like work even when someone else does it.
--Mark Twain--

The world is a vast temple dedicated to Discord.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
--Benjamin Franklin--

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds, our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
--Johann Wolfgang Von Geothe--

The world is a prison in which solitary confinement is preferable.
--Karl Kraus--

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
--Frank Zappa--

This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
--Horace Walpole--

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
--Rita Mae Brown--

God created the world, but it is the Devil who keeps it going.
--Tristan Bernard--

Southerners treat people, even those they dislike, with politeness and respect, then talk about them behind their backs. Northerners treat people, even those they like, with rudeness and scorn, then talk about them behind their backs.
--Don Weiser--

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
--George Bernard Shaw--

I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
--Mae West--

With the politicians throwin' stones, so the kids they dance and shake their bones, 'cause it's all too clear we're on our own, ashes to ashes all fall down.
--Grateful Dead--

The DAR, still revolting.
--Capitol Steps--

Modem. Southern for pass the biscuits.

Well the ragman draws circles up and down the block. I'd ask him what the matter was but I know that he don't talk. And the ladies treat me kindly, then they finish me with tea but deep inside my heart, I know I can't escape.
--Memphis Blues Again, Bob Dylan--

Well the rainman gave me two cures and he said jump right in. The one was Texas medicine, the other was just railroad gin. And like a fool I mixed them and it scrambled up my mind. And now people just get uglier and I have no sense of time.
--Memphis Blues Again, Bob Dylan--

And here I sit so patiently, waiting to find out what price, you have to pay to get out of going through all these things twice.
--Memphis Blues Again, Bob Dylan--

Well I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them.
--Maggie's Farm, Bob Dylan--

If you're lookin' to get silly you better go back to from where you came 'cause the cops don't need you and man they expect the same.
--Tom Thumb Blues, Bob Dylan--

I started out on burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff. All my friends said they'd stand beside me when the game got rough. The joke was on me, there was no-body even there to bluff, I'm goin' back to NYC, I do believe I've had enough.
--Tom Thumb Blues, Bob Dylan--

There's a lion in the road, there's a demon escaped, there's a million dreams gone, there's a landscape bein' raped.
--Where Are You Tonight?, Bob Dylan--

And I, I never took much, I never asked you for your crutch, now don't ask for mine.
--Fourth Time Around, Bob Dylan--

Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet? We sit here stranded, though we're all doin' our best to deny it.
--Visions of Johanna, Bob Dylan--

Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial, voices echo this is what salvation must be like after awhile.
--Visions of Johanna, Bob Dylan--

You're right from your side as I'm right from mine. We're both just one too mornings and a thousand miles behind.
--One Too Many Mornings, Bob Dylan--

Shotgun wedding. A matter of wife or death.

When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
--"Out of Africa", Isaac Dennison--

I'm gonna be a happy idiot and work for the legal tender.
--Jackson Browne--

Email: don@donweiser.com